He Walked Away Today
by MyKa HoLLy
Summary: He walked away today. I don't know if I will ever see him again. I felt so good when I was shoving him through the door, but now after his sillouhette has faded, all I can feel is this emptiness this hollowness inside me.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: This can be whatever pairing pretty much. It don't really matter. It can even be het. Please be kind and review pouty face Luv Yas!_

**He Walked Away Today**

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** He walked away today. I don't know if I will ever see him again. I felt so good when I was shoving him through the door, but now after his sillouhette has faded, all I can feel is this emptiness - this hollowness - inside me. It grows larger every moment I spend thinking of him.**

** Where is he? Is he with her? Why did he leave so willingly? He knew I would have let him stay if he'd asked, but he walked away. He walked until I couldn't see him anymore, but I still stood there staring at the space where he had just been and wondering 'What did I just do?'**

** I was so sure before he left that I was doing the right thing in turning him away. I thought I was going to be happy, thrilled ever. I thought it was the beginning of something brand new. I thought I was moving on.**

** It was the beginning, but the beginning to what? I barely knew a life without him. He was my world for so many years. We were the best of friends. We were the worst of lovers.**

** So why then did my soul ache in his absense? Why did it feel like the world had just collapsed beneath my feet and I was being dragged down with it? Why did it feel so much like drowning?**

** I struggled to breathe. It seemed like with each breath, it got harder and harder to inhale. My chest felt tight-constricted. My lungs were suddenly too large for my torso. I felt like I was suffocating.**

** My eyes were dry and bloodshot from not blinking. I stared through walls and people without ever knowing they were there. I saw none of it. I was lost - circling the drain?**

** I didn't know what was going on. Everything was suddenly so confusing. I didn't know what I wanted. I sure as hell didn't know what I needed. At least, not until after it was too late to claim it.**

** My mind argued - torn between thoughts of loneliness and freedom. I had never realized how lonely freedom could be. Maybe solitude was what I needed. Maybe I needed a friend, a true friend. I thought I just needed you.**

** I probably shouldn't have gotten so drunk. It was our reunion. We were supposed to be happy. I don't know why I wasn't. I thought he was all that I needed. Did I fall out of love with him somewhere along the lines?**

** If that was the case, then why did it hurt so much to even think about him? Why did the thought of him with her tear at me like a clenched fist around my heart? Why did I want to chase after him, even though I knew it was too late and he was already with her? Why did I want to appologize when I'd done nothing wrong? I wanted to crawl to him on my hands and knees and beg for his forgiveness. I wanted to grovel. I wanted to make him see what he had reduced me to. I wanted him to know how much I care and always will.**

** I wanted to do everything, but instead I did nothing. I was too stubborn to go after him. I knew I was right in what I did. I had to keep telling myself that I had made the right decision. I had to keep drinking. I thought that maybe everything would just go away if I drank enough. I thought my mind would stop racing with questions I didn't want to admit the answers to. A thought occured to me after my 11th shot. I needed to fuck. That would fix everything.**

** I welcomed his arms around me. They felt good when everything else was miserable. My body responded to his touch instinctively. I relaxed into him and he took me.**

** The stairs were trouble. He nearly dragged me half the way. When we hit the bed, my brain ceased to function. He moved against me so naturally. It felt good. Everything he did was right.**

** He fell against me after, laying his head on my chest. It wasn't until after the afterglow had worn off, that the thoughts came pouring back.**

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A/N: please review! would mean the world to me! oh! and did this seem like slash or het to y'all?


	2. Trying to Move On

Its been almost a year since he left. I still think of him nearly everyday. I feel bad for my lovers since. They can never compare to him. What we had was too intense. We hated each other but loved each other. I not sure which was more.

I've lost my inspiration since he left. He was always my muse. We never had a boring moment. He brought out the best in me, but he also brought out the worst. There were days when we would fight and scream at each other. Those times usually ended with him sporting a black eye or a busted lip. I know now I was in the wrong for hitting him, but most of time he truly deserved it. He cheated on me constantly. I did the same to him. We broke up constantly, but we'd always get back together in a week or so. I hate to admit it but I miss the drama. He always kept me on my toes. I think I did the same for him.

I heard from a friend the other day that said he was thinking about taking me back. I tell everyone I'm over him and I've got someone better. The truth is I miss him. I'd take him back in an instant. I know we're not good for each other - or maybe we are. I'm not sure I even know who he is anymore. It's been so long. He's probably changed from the boy I used to know. In a way I hope he has. I don't know if we'd even get on the same way as before. We've had a few run ins since we broke up. Sometimes we'd end up hooking up. Other times I'd end up screaming at him and telling him how much I hate him. I'm not even sure I still hate him. I have no idea. My feelings have always been kind of a mystery to me. They say it takes half as long as you were together to get over someone you love. We were together for years. Maybe I'll never get over him.

I have someone new and he treats me good, but I still find myself wishing it was him beside me when I'm laying beside my new lover at night. There's nights when I lay awake all night thinking of him and wishing I could forget. I'm not even sure I want to forget. We had some really amazing times while we were together. I'd hate to forget those.

I guess I'm still confused. I don't know what I want. I need to move on, but I can't just yet. I guess I need closure. I have no idea. It's unfair to my lover to keep stringing him along when my heart belongs to someone else. Maybe I can learn to love this new one as much as the old. Who knows? I sure as hell don't. 


End file.
